Here's a short story about how I stopped wearing what I wanted and became a shadow of my former self.
Its time I was honest to myself, and everyone else about something. I'm not as confident as I used to be. In the past 2 years or so, its been blow after blow and the comeback I waited for after these events never came. I've lost alot, Ive gained a lot, but I've got alot of work to do to get myself back on my prime. The truth is, ever since I stopped dressing the way I really wanted, I've lost the part of me that says "Its okay for you to be how you are, like what you like, do what you want, look how you look". Something as simple as losing the way I dress to a host of insecurities has turned me into someone inclined to seek approval for everything - is my hair okay? is my makeup? are my clothes?
I'm going to be honest and say that a close, we'll call him friend, is directly responsible for this. In the past, when he has disliked what I've worn, he has asked me afterwards to "never wear that again". Do people realise what message that simple phrase sends? Let me spell it out : "you looked shit in that, I was embarrassed to be around you, people think of you as unattractive".
I have pieces of clothing in my wardrobe that I had to THROW OUT because every time I LOOKED at them, I felt sick to my stomach. Just because of the way he had made me feel while I was wearing them.
After I had made it clear that he had no choice over my clothing, he agreed to stop saying anything. But did it end there? No. What began was the systematic wearing down of my willpower through subtly making me feel shit for what I wore. If I wore something "not okay", he would ignore me, act as if I had offended him, and avoid me in public. Just from his body language, I would feel disgusting and drained after a day of this and slowly but surely, this turned into a whole other set of clothes I no longer felt comfortable in.
Do you recognize what this is here? Clear signs of an abusive relationship. Yes, people - if a 'friend' makes you feel shit for what you are wearing, you are taking part in an abusive relationship. If they are systematically breaking down your confidence, you are being undermined as a person, and it is very unhealthy.
I became resigned to wearing what would give me the least trouble, and was always nervous to see if it would recieve approval.
You can imagine how I felt when that person found this blog, and asked "WHO even writes a blog?!" (which is, of course, a stupid question because in this day & age - who doesnt?) and even here, which became my outlet for the clothes I really enjoyed became jeopardised.
Now, I'm attending university with that same person. I want to wear heels, because its what I personally do, everywhere. I want to wear whatever I want - but again, I have a mental block there that creates anxiety when I think about the humiliation this person will put me through.
But here's the truth of it - I get joy out of picking my clothes, I get joy out of wearing what I want. I am more efficient, I am happier, I am more me in the clothes I love. And its about time I stopped being a - to put this honestly - dumb bitch, and revert to my original ways.
Remember that as much as you love someone, you cannot just lose yourself to keep them. Ever.
Consider this me going back to my roots.
comment below & tell me - has this ever happened to you? do you REALLY wear what you want every day? Why not?
over & out, sailors xx